Hey Again

Tuesday, July 3, 2018
So I was planning this post to be very different. When I gradually stopped blogging back in March, I meant to pick it back up again once school got out, but school's been out for more than a month now, and I still haven't started up again.

I was working on a post to announce the end of my impromptu hiatus and talk about what's happened in my life while I've been gone, but before I managed to finish my post, something happened. And now, I guess I just really want to pour out all my feelings about that one subject. I'm sorry this post is so different from what usually appears here on Quartzfeather, but I just need a space to vent.... One of my good friends suggested I try to put my emotions into words to help me let go, so here it goes. I apologize if it's a mess.

Yesterday, my first boyfriend and me broke up for good, due to issues with our parents respectively. We were only together for a month and we've only known each other for roughly eight weeks now, which is such a short time, and I know it's terribly illogical to be so hung up over it, but it still hurts, it hurts so damned much. It's such a messy situation, and so many mistakes were made, and no one was truly at fault, which in a way makes it harder, because there's really no one to blame, and right now I just resent the world so much.

Logically I know I need to move on, I need to let go, but my stupid brain just keeps holding on to hope. It keeps hoping that maybe something will change my parents' minds, or his parents' minds, or that I'll wake up and this will all just be a horrible week long nightmare, but alas, I know none of that will ever happen. Even if my parents do change their mind, this situation is already so messed up I'm not even sure that would do anything, and besides, they won't. Even stupider my brain just keeps hoping that maybe far in the future, we'll get a second chance at this, a chance to get everything right.

As every hour passes, more and more of my hope slips away, and I know that's a good thing, I know I need to stop hoping to move on, but as I slowly lose hope, I also become more and more desperate.

I'm so scared.

I'm so scared that I'll regret this in the future, that I'll always resent my parents for their decisions, and that the world will move on without me. I'm scared that he'll move on without me, and I'm scared that he'll start dating someone new and I won't be able to take it, I'm scared that this experience will always leave a scar on my heart and a what if in my thoughts.

I'm just so scared I won't be able to let go and move on. I've never experienced heartbreak before, and from where I am right now, I feel as if I'm standing at the bottom of a deep canyon, and because this is my first time, I'm not yet sure whether I'll be able to climb my way out. But I have hope.